you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
