I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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