Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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