I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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