Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
