if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
