When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
