I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
