Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
