What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
