Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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