totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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