Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
