I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
