that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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