I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
