I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
