They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
