WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
