I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
