im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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