and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
