I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
