I was born with a shot glass in my hand
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
