sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
