Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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