It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
