I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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