Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
