just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
