i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
This is the high leading the old right now
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
