Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
