i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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