Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
