I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
