I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We need to rekindle our bromance
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You are a genius and a whore.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
