my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
