so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
