I cockslap morals
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
