i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
