I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
