can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
