I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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