were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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