I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
