bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
