he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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