beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
