my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You are a genius and a whore.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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