I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think my moral compass just broke
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
